The Supercondensed Mega Man X Series
by Revokov
Summary: The severely shortened X game series. Take a look for a quick laugh. UPDATE: Megaman X8 is UP and it there was much REJOICING and angels SANG and STUFF. Also X7's missing lines are FIXED.
1. X1 Supercondensed

In the style of the great website Book-A-Minute, I am "supercondensing" the Mega Man X games. Here is the first game, Mega Man X, without the annoying things like extensive dialogue and character development.

X1 SUPERCONDENSED

Sigma 

"The humans are inferior. 8 Maverick Bosses and Vile, let's go kill them." (_They do)_

The MAVERICKS start doing EVIL THINGS. MEGA MAN X chases them down and FIGHTS them, but is defeated by VILE.

Vile 

"What now, bitch?"

Zero DEFEATS Vile and SAVES X.

Zero 

"X, if you weren't such a pussy, you'd be as strong as me."

X explores the EIGHT MAVERICK BASES and finds the CAPSULES.

Dr. Light 

"X, if you use the powers in these capsules you won't be such a pussy anymore."

Using the CAPSULE POWERS, X DESTROYS all 8 Maverick Bosses.

Sigma 

"FUX0R!"

X and Zero find SIGMA'S SECRET BASE.

Zero 

"Ok so let's go in there alone without reinforcements."_ They do. Vile DEFEATS them._

**Vile**

"What now, bitch?"

Zero 

"I'm not through yet!" _(Dies)_

X INEXPLICABLY RECHARGES HIMSELF.

Vile 

"Where did all that energy come from?" _(Dies)_

X, who is now VERY MAD, races through Sigma's Secret Base and DESTROYS the castle guardians and VELGUARDER, and then meets up with SIGMA.

Sigma 

"It has been a while, Padwan." _(He activates LIGHTSABER.)_

X and Sigma FIGHT. Sigma uses AWESOME SITH POWERS but X TRIUMPHS.

Sigma 

"The Force is strong with this one." _(Dies)_

Sigma RETURNS in the form of a GIANT MACHINE OF DEATH AND GENERAL UNHAPPINESS.

X 

"Damn."

They FIGHT. X somehow manages to WIN.

Sigma 

"Jerk, why'd you do this? We were gonna win, too!" _(Dies)_

X TELEPORTS out of Sigma's Secret Base shortly before it EXPLODES. He then stands on a cliff by the sea and LAMENTS.

X 

"I really feel bad for all those people who sacrificed themselves and will never return, except maybe in all the sequels."

The credits ROLL, but then a SCARY SCREEN appears.

Sigma 

_(Monty Python)_ "I'm not dead!"


	2. X2 Supercondensed

X2 SUPERCONDENSED 

Serges 

"Hunter Dumpter sat on a wall."

Agile 

"Hunter Dumpter had a great fall."

Serges 

"All the X-Hunters and all Sigma's men…"

Violen 

"Ate a sandwich."

Agile 

"…Man, you just completely ruined the Unification."

A CRISIS befalls the world.

Dr. Cain 

"X, it's been six months since you spanked Sigma and you're still the only one who knows how to fire a gun, so go stop this new uprising."

X RUSHES to the scenes of the uprising and destroys TWO of the EIGHT MAVERICK BOSSES.

X-Hunters 

"This could be bad."

Dr. Cain 

"X, we get signal."

X-Hunters 

"How are you gentlemen? All Zero's parts are belong to us."

Dr. Cain 

"X, hurry! For great justice!'

X RUSHES out onto the hunt, and tracks down the X-HUNTERS. He BEATS all THREE of them, and RECLAIMS Zero's parts.

**Dr. Cain**

"Good job, I'll fix him. Now get back to work."

X RUSHES to the MAVERICK LAIRS, and on the way he finds the CAPSULES.

**Dr. Light**

"Moron, how'd you lose the first armor set I gave you? These things aren't cheap, you know!"

X uses the CAPSULE POWERS to destroy ALL the remaining Mavericks.

**Dr. Cain**

"X I know you worked really hard to get Zero's parts back, but this guy just walked in and took them."

X is getting tired of RUSHING, but he rushes ANYWAY, and arrives at the NORTH POLE, where he fights and defeats VIOLEN.

**Violen**

"…Couldn't put Hunter together again! I got it! Guys, I remembered!" (Dies)

X CONTINUES FORTH, and destroys Serges's WAR MACHINE.

**Serges**

"No one defies Miss Cleo—the prophecy WILL be fulfilled!" (Dies)

X goes EVEN FURTHER, and meets AGILE.

**X**

"How come you're a box now?"

**Agile**

"I don't know." (Dies)

**Sigma**

"Crap, the X-Hunters blew it. But I'm still alive, and I've got toys."

X RUSHES ONE FINAL TIME, to the CENTRAL COMPUTER. At this point, due to a RIP in the SPACE TIME CONTINUUM, one of two things HAPPENS:

***1***

X finds SIGMA with the brainwashed ZERO. X FIGHTS and DEFEATS Zero, UNBRAINWASHING him in the process.

**X**

"Do you remenber me?"

**Zero**

"Of course, I'll never forget that annoying girl voice."

***2***

X meets SIGMA with a CLONE ZERO. However the REAL ZERO comes in and DESTROYS the Clone Zero.

**Zero**

"Blueprints are for studying."

**Sigma**

"You were supposed to be my bitch!"

They FIGHT. Sigma RETREATS.

At this point, REGARDLESS OF WHAT JUST HAPPENED, Zero runs off to destroy the MAIN COMPUTER, and X jumps into the PIT OF DEATH. At the BOTTOM of the Pit Of Death, X finds SIGMA, who is dressed up like WOLVERINE.

**Sigma**

"End of the line, bub."

They FIGHT. X WINS, but Sigma RETURNS in the form of a GIANT FLOATING HEAD, which X OBLITERATES.

**Sigma**

"Damn I died again, but each defeat only makes me stronger, plus each time I die you somehow lose your nifty armor and become pussified again. I just wish Zero wasn't being such a dick about everything." (Dies)

X RUNS FOR HIS LIFE, and ESCAPES the Central Computer before it EXPLODES. He joins Zero on a CLIFF, and there he THINKS.

**X**

"The price of peace is often high. Who or what must be sacrificed in order for it to become a reality?"

**Zero**

"Get away from me."

CREDITS ROLL.


	3. X3 Supercondensed

**X3 SUPERCONDENSED**

_The citizens of the world live in FEAR. Then DR. DOPPLER shows up and the fear GOES AWAY._

**Doppler**

"You guys are going Maverick because you've got a virus, but I've made an antivirus program that cures the whole thing."

_Unfortunately no HMO's or INSURANCE PLANS cover the antivirus program, so NO ONE GETS IT. Doppler tries SOMETHING ELSE._

**Doppler**

"Look, I've made a Utopia. Let's all live together, because I want peace."

**Cain**

"No, you don't."

_Cain is RIGHT. Doppler sends LEGIONS OF DEATH to Maverick Hunter Headquarters._

**Mac**

"Does anyone know who I am?"

**X**

"I haven't a clue."

_X and Zero DEFEAT Doppler's forces and rush to DOPPLER TOWN, where the newest uprising originates from. They defeat TWO Maverick Bosses._

**Doppler**

"Crappy hell, they're onto me. Backgroundless Plotholes, report!"

**Bit and Byte**

"Yessir, reporting for duty sir! We'll defeat Megaman X, sir!" _They don't._

**Mysterious Maverick**

"It's a good thing I have this shadow effect going, or people might recognize me!"

_X FROLICS through Doppler Town and stumbles into a TRAP inside of a WAREHOUSE that has been rigged to go KABOOMIES by VILE, who is sitting in a BIG NASTY RIDE ARMOR._

**Vile**

"What NOW, bitch?"

_X DEFEATS Vile, who runs off like a PUSSY, and then X ESCAPES from the factory before it EXPLODES. He goes throughout Doppler Town killing things—_

**Zero**

"I'm in this too, it's just that I'm entirely useless."

_Like I said, X was KILLING THINGS, and on the way he finds CAPSULES._

**Dr. Light**

"This time around, I've even made fancy red capsules to upgrade these capsule powers. I figure this way you might think twice before losing them again."

_X WIPES THE FLOOR with the Maverick Bosses._

**Sigma**

_(Krang) _"Doppler, make me my new boooody!" 

**Cain**

"X, Zero, Doppler's making this huge battle body, but he's a wuss so I doubt he could use it himself. He must be making it for someone else. I wonder who that could be? Oh look his laboratory just popped up from nowhere!"

_X and Zero dash to DOPPLER'S SECRET LAB._

**Zero**

"Capcom needs an excuse to get rid of me for a while, so I'm gonna go look around on my own."

_X goes ALONE through Doppler's Secret Lab, where he meets Bit and Byte, who merge into GODKARMACHINE O NARY._

**Godkarmachine O Nary**

"None shall pass."

_X passes anyway. He goes on to meet VILE, who is in the BIGGEST MEANEST RIDE ARMOR IN THE WORLD EVER._

**Vile**

"WHAT NOW, BIZNATCH?!?!"

_They fight. X FRANTICALLY REPEATS HAIL MARYS while using his MAD SKILLS to defeat Vile._

**Vile**

"FUX0R, well I'll just have to haunt you till the day you die!"_(Dies)_

_X continues forth, and finds the SPECIAL CAPSULE._

**Dr. Light**

"X if you wear this armor you'll look like a piece of cheese!"

_X, with his NEWFOUND POWERS, goes to meet DOPPLER._

**Doppler**

"I may look like a measly old scientist, but just wait until I throw off my lab coat!" _(He does. X shoots him in the face.)_ YEOWCH. Whoa…looks like Sigma's been possessing me. I hope I didn't cause anyone any trouble?"

_X rushes to the final level of Doppler's Secret Lab._

**Zero**

"I'd offer to help you kill Sigma, but since you're just oh-so-powerful in your cheese costume I'll just destroy the stupid power generator like usual and let you have all the fun."

_X encounters SIGMA, who is decked out as a WARRIOR._

**Sigma**

FREEEEEEDOOOOOMMMM!!!!

_The ETERNAL STRUGGLE begins, only it's NOT ETERNAL because X WINS. Then Sigma comes back in the form of a BIG BIG BIG MONSTER FROM THE DEEPEST DARKEST PIT OF YUCKINESS._

**Kaiser Sigma**

"Me squash X bug flat."

_They fight. X PULLS A VICTORY OUT OF HIS ASS, but then Zero STEALS THE SPOTLIGHT._

**Zero**

"Yo. Doppler gave me this bitchin new sword doohicky."

_Sigma dies. Doppler's Secret Lab starts to EXPLODE. Molten lava RISES from the floor, and X and Zero SCALE THE WALLS. Suddenly Sigma RETURNS in the form of the GIANT FLOATING HEAD from the last game._

**Sigma**

"Come back here, I'll bite yer legs off!"

_The Hunters ESCAPE. Sigma VANISHES. X and Zero SAVOR VICTORY._

**X**

"Another one bites the dust."

**Zero**

"Yeah, I just hope that Capcom isn't so biased against me in the future."

**Capcom**

"To ensure peace, X must one day destroy Zero."

_Set against the sound of ZERO'S CURSING, the CREDITS ROLL.****_


	4. X4 Supercondensed

**MEGAMAN X4 SUPERCONDENSED**

**Maverick Hunters**

"We're not evil."

**Repliforce**

"Neither are we."

**Capcom**

"This isn't going anywhere."

**Sigma**

"I'm evil! Use me!"

_Sigma goes to meet with GENERAL._

**Sigma**

"Destroy the humans!"

**General**

"No."

**Sigma**

"Damn!"

_Sigma, WILY AS EVER, tries something else, and sends KING DRAGON plus a whole bunch of MAVERICKS to the SKY LAGOON. Lots of ALARMS go off, and MEGA MAN X rushes to the scene, while ZERO is having FUNKY DREAMS._

**Dr. Wily**

"Zero…I am your father."

**Zero**

"Oh, shit."

_Zero wakes up and goes to HELP X. However, Sky Lagoon CRASHES because Magma Dragoon is a DICK, and so the Hunters look for SURVIVORS._

**Iris**

"I think I broke a nail."

_Suddenly King Dragon ATTACKS, but he is SLAIN, and then COLONEL shows up to talk to X and Zero._

**Colonel**

"I'm here to save my sister."

**X**

"Yeah, sure, let's see some ID."

**Colonel**

"How dare you! We prefer war over dishonor and shame!"

_Colonel meets General to deliver the BAD NEWS._

**Colonel**

"We're being sacrificed in the name of a plotline."

**General**

"Excellent! Rally the troops!"

_Repliforce declares INDEPENDENCE._

**Sigma**

"Tee hee."

_The Hunters SCRAMBLE to stop the newest threat. X gets a NEW PARTNER._

**Double**

"Does this game make me look fat?"

_Meanwhile Zero gets some UNEXPECTED HELP._

**Iris**

"Please stop fighting."

**Zero**

"Sorry Mary Jane. Plotline and all that."

_X and Zero run through the MAVERICK LAIRS, slaying the REBELLIOUS REPLIFORCE CAPTAINS and the VILLAINOUS MAVERICKS._

**Bosses**

"Hey, we have lines this time!!!"

_X and Zero are sure they are VERY NICE LINES, but they still WIPE THE FLOOR with four of the eight bosses. _

**Zero**

"…did I really call Iris Mary Jane?"

_Suddenly Colonel summons Zero to MEMORIAL HALL._

**Colonel**

"Wassaaaap?"

**Zero**

"Wazzaaaaaapppp???"

**Iris**

"Knock it off!"

**Colonel**

"Fine, but next time, there will be no mercy!" _(He leaves.)_

_X and Zero handle the remaining enemies. During this X draws on power from DR. LIGHT'S CAPSULES, which are played by JACKIE GLEASON._

**Dr. Light**

"Not one, not two, but THREE! THREE of my special armor sets you've gone and LOST like they were just toys! I'll tell ya, one of these days, X, one of these days…TO THE MOON!"

_The Hunters suddenly realize that the Repliforce is gathering at the SPACEPORT. Zero busts through the defenses and meets Colonel._

**Zero**

"Wassaaap!"

**Colonel**

"Wazzaaaaaa!"

**Zero**

"WASSAAAAAAAAAAP!"

**Colonel**

"Ack!" _(Dies)_

_X and Zero go into space after Repliforce, leaving Double in charge, like IDIOTS._

**Jenny Craig**

"In just one month, you could lose 90 pounds! Just look at this man."

_Double SLIMS DOWN into JELLO MAN, and goes MEDIEVAL on X's unit._

**Double**

"Results not typical."

_X and Zero go into OUTER SPACE and enter the dastardly FINAL WEAPON. They quickly get lost and wander into IDENTICAL ROOMS. X encounters DOUBLE, who he fights and DEFEATS. Meanwhile, Zero finds IRIS._

**Zero**

"Nice shoes, wanna f—"

**Iris**

"No."

_They fight. Zero KILLS HER._

**Zero**

"NOOO WHAT AM I FIGHTING FOR?"

**Sigma**

"I don't know, but it reminds me of that one time you messed all that shit up."

_A CUTSCENE plays, in which Zero MESSES A LOT OF SHIT UP._

**Zero**

"I may have been a Maverick but you still suck donkeys!"

_X, on the other hand, has been wasting time with GENERAL._

**General**

"Viva la resistance!"

_They fight, and General LOSES, probably because he spoke FRENCH. Suddenly Final Weapon MYSTERIOUSLY ACTIVATES. X rushes off and finds Zero and together they encounter SIGMA, who is dressed up like THAT GUY FROM SCARY MOVIE._

**X**

"I LOVED that movie!"

**Sigma**

"Oh? Hey, remember that part when the guy got zoinked in his ear—" _(He suddenly remembers that he has EVIL to be doing.)_ "Prepare to become space dust!"

_They fight a CLIMACTIC BATTLE, and Sigma CATCHES ON FIRE._

**Sigma**

_(Ringwraith)_ "SHRIEEEEEK!" _(Dies)_

_Just when all seems well, Sigma RETURNS as an UGLY HEAD WITH DREADLOCKS and a big thing with a KLINGON FACE._

**Sigma**

"I'm a schizophrenic and so am I."

_They FIGHT. X and Zero WIN._

**Sigma**

"HAHA IM GONNA BLOW UP EARTH ANYWAY! YOU SUX0RZ!" _(Dies)_

**General**

"This quest for a plot has gone much too far. I will end it here." _(Dies.)_

_X and Zero ESCAPE from Final Weapon, just as it EXPLODES due to General's SACRIFICE. On the way back they REFLECT on life and related issues._

**Zero**

"Did we Reploids all turn out to be Mavericks after all? Nah, its gotta just be me…"

**X**

"If I become a Maverick, you have to destroy me."

**Zero**

"Shit shit shit shit shit!"

_THE CREDITS ROLL._


	5. X5 Supercondensed

**MEGAMAN X5 SUPERCONDENSED**

****

_It's sometime in the FUTURE, but Capcom isn't sure WHEN. There's this orbiting colony called EURASIA._

**World**

"Here's a great idea—let's put a giant mechanical base in outer space right where Final Weapon used to be, because learning from history is for nerds."

**Sigma**

"I love nerds."

_Sigma hires some POSER in SHADES AND A SCARF HMMM named DYNAMO to make Eurasia GO APESHIT. _

**Dynamo**

"I would do anything for you, anything!"

**Sigma**

"That's just disgusting."

_The Hunters MOBILIZE._

**Signas**

"I'm the Hunter commander. Does anyone else think it's an ominous omen that my name begins with 'Sig'?"

**Alia**

"I'm the government appointed female. Now that Iris got killed off, it's my job to annoy the players."

**Douglas**

"I'm the mechanic. You never see me, but you know I'm there, because the instruction manual says so."

**Lifesaver**

"I'm the medi…actually, no one knows what the hell I am, or how many of me there even are."

_With this NEW SUPPORTING CAST behind them, X and Zero rush to Eurasia where they come face to face with TAXI DRIVERS._

**X**

"At long last, Sigma finally learned how to recruit real villains."

_X climbs his way up a STATUE, coming UNDER THE DRESS and BURSTING into the INNER SANCTUM, where he finds Zero KNEELING IN FRONT OF SIGMA'S GIANT HEAD._

**Zero**

"Euphemism wise, this supercondensation is not looking good."

_Sigma battles the Hunters. The tension RISES. The passion MOUNTS. Then Sigma EXPLODES and sprays TINY MINI SIGMA STRANDS allll over the world._

**Zero**

"Nope, not looking good at all."

_The Hunters return home, thinking they have WON, but in fact they are SCREWED, because Sigma just watched that movie ARMAGEDDON and it gave him an IDEA._

**Sigma**

"Bruce Willis cannot save you this time!!!"

_The Hunters must collect the pieces for ENIGMA, a MASSIVE CANNON that will discharge a highly focused SHAFT of energy to PENETRATE Eurasia—_

**Zero**

"Enough already!!!"

_X and Zero rush out to COLLECT stuff, but they quickly learn that STD SIGMA has INFECTED everyone who may have potentially been COOL._

**Grizzly Slash**

"You can't have my ball, I'm using it!"

**Duff McWhalen**

"This wet stuff is all mine!"

**Izzy Glow**

"My projectile equipment is for my private use!"

**Squid Adler**

"Back off, these tentacles are here for a reason—"

**All**

"ENOUGH!"

_ALL RIGHT. Once Enigma is CONSTRUCTED, they try it out on Eurasia—_

**Dynamo**

"Wait! Wait! Stop the plot! Good. Now play with me!"

**Zero**

"Was that a euphemism or not…?"

_Dynamo's COOL BACKGROUND THEME is NO MATCH for the Hunters and he RUNS AWAY. In the meantime X tries to figure out what the hell he's supposed to do with these new CAPSULES._

**Dr. Light**

_(Dr. Evil)_ "Oh, your capsule upgrades aren't in just one convenient little spot now, are they? What's that, they're not even practical anymore? They're completely and utterly useless? Well boo-frickity-hoo, son! You gonna cry, Number Blue, you gonna cry?"

_X attempts PATRICIDE, forgetting that Light is ALREADY DEAD, and then the Hunters get back to HURTING EURASIA A LOT._

**Signas**

"Enigma succeeded!"

**Alia**

"No it didn't."

**Douglas**

"What the hell is going on?"

_In fact this DEPENDS on HOW THE GAME CD IS FEELING at the time. Assuming it was a MISS, the Hunters must come up with SOMETHING ELSE._

**Douglas**

"How about we drive a big space ship into it?"

**Zero**

"And just who do you think is dumb enough to pull a stunt like that?"

_Four Mavericks later, Zero PILOTS THE SPACE SHIP and goes CRASHING INTO EURASIA, making a big MESS. X goes LOOKING for him._

**X**

"STELLAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"

_Zero RISES with a purple AURA._

**Zero**

"Shall we create a plausible reason for why I'm going to try to kill X?"

**Capcom**

"You're kidding, right?"

_The Hunters chase MAVERICK ZERO into this PLACE that is all TRIPPED OUT and cannot possibly EXIST._

**X**

"So what, now? I've officially entered the movie Tron?"

**Big Goopy Demon**

"Remember me?" _(Dies.)_

**Rangda Bangda**

"Remember me?" _(Dies)_

**Maverick Zero**

"Remember me?"__

_The two Hunters fight the CATACLYSMIC BATTLE that has been foreshadowed since the END OF X2 for reasons that even Zero admits are BULLSHIT. The BATTLE—and thus the only continuing plotline keeping the SERIES ALIVE—ends very quickly._

**Sigma**

"Hey, if you need a plot to finish out the game or anything, I'm not busy."

_Since they have NOTHING BETTER TO DO, the Hunters agree to go after SIGMA, who this time looks kinda GREEN and RUBBERY._

**Gumby Sigma**

"PH33R M3, BL0CKH3@DZ!"

_They all FIGHT. Sigma DIES. He comes back as a FRIGGIN WAREHOUSE._

**X**

_(Harry Potter)_ _Riddikulus!_

_It IS. Sigma's STUPID PURPLE BLOCKS cannot save him from this TRUTH and he BLOWS UP like someone just summoned SUPERNOVA or something. Stupid Virus Land DISAPPEARS almost as fast as the SPICE GIRLS did, and X and Zero pause to REFLECT on how their series has just been FLUSHED DOWN THE SHITTER._

**X**

"I love you still, world. I'll make Elysium to save you."

**Zero**

"Fuck you, world." _(Dies)_

_THE END_


	6. X6 Supercondensed

**MEGAMAN X6 SUPERCONDENSED**

****

_The Earth has finally gone to SHIT. A large flaming SPACE THINGY has OWNED it._

**Sephiroth**

"Buhahahaha…wooohahahahahaaaa…oops, wrong game."

_POLLUTION has spread, with the help of the SIGMA VIRUS, because this UNHOLY COMBINATION somehow makes global pollution on a level that can flatten every city on earth POSSIBLE._

**Ozone Layer**

"Who's laughing now, bitches?"

_The world desperately tries to COLLECT ITS SHIT._

**Humans**

"Go fix our planet, slaves."

**Reploids**

"K."

_Meanwhile no one knows where ZERO is, but if you played X5 you SHOULD know, Zero GOT HIS IZZLE FO-SHIZZLED by good old WAREHOUSE SIGMA._

**X**

_(Moody Blues)_ I know you're out there somewhere…

_The world needs CAPTAIN PLANET, he's a HERO, but instead they get GATE._

**Gate**

"Hum dum de dum…oh look, a plot!"

_Gate takes the plot HOME and UP AND DECIDES to create a Reploid UTOPIA._

**Dr. Doppler**

"Gate is me. I am Gate. Think about it."

**Signas**

"Japanese words!"

**Alia**

"More Japanese words!"

**Douglas**

"Technical Japanese words!"

**America**

"WTF?"

_And then, out of NOWHERE…_

**Nightmare Zero**

_(Agent Smith) _"Miiiiister Megaman. Surprised to see me…?"

**Isoc**

"No way am I letting that plothole run loose. I will resist."

_He DOES, using eight SUPER ADVANCED SCARY REVIVED REPLOIDS, like the WATERFLEA._

**Infinity Mijinion**

"Don't diss the flea, dude."

 _X fights AGAINST Isoc and in the meantime encounters the ZILLIONS OF ZERO VIRUS PARTICLES that have CORRUPTED people._

**Nightmare Zero**

"Me, me, me!"

_They FIGHT. The REAL ZERO comes. X is obviously very HAPPY. No, like, H-A-P-P-Y._

**Zero**

"I had to hide while I repaired myself."

**Capcom**

"Oh yeah, direct quote!"

_X fights some more and meets HIGH MAX._

**High Max**

"The first part of my name is actually an adjective."

_Just when the game looks safe, DYNAMO comes back._

**Dynamo**

"I will kill you! Actually, I will run away now!" _He does._

**Alia**

"OMG its Gate!"

**Gate**

"Fu fu fu! My fiendish plan is unleashed and no one can find me, unless you accept this direct invitation to come where I live!"

_The Hunters go after Gate in his IMPENETRABLE FORTRESS OF DOOM, but they cannot get past STAGE ONE because there is NO WAY PAST THE SPIKES._

**Dr. Light**

"And you thought you'd exclude me from this supercondensation. Fool."

_X gets the SHADOW ARMOR, which is bullshittingly MANDATORY, and they meet GATE._

**Alia**

"Jerk!"

**Gate**

"Go insane with me!"

**Alia**

"No!"

_They all fight. Gate CONFOUNDS the Hunters with his tactics but a few Gameshark codes later he FALLS._

**X**

"The game is over!"

**Zero**

"What about Isoc?"

**Isoc**

"Blarg, I'm dead." _(He is)_

**X**

"Now the game is over!"

**Gate**

"Crap, we forgot about Sigma. I'll bring him back for you." _(Dies)_

**Tourettes Sigma **

"I'm BaaAAAaaAAAcKKK SHRIMP TOAST!"

**Zero**

"I killed you, Mister Sigma, I watched you die. But something happened that I…knew was impossible but yet it happened anyway…you destroyed me, Mister Sigma."

**Sigma**

"SAND DUNES!"

_They fight. Sigma becomes old and scary like STROM THURMOND, but is killed with PATHETIC EASE._

**Sigma**

"I WILL BE BACK LOL! BELGIAN TACOS!" _(Dies)_

**X**

"How does he go from Warehouse Sigma to N00B Sigma?"

_The game is over but the world is NOT…SAVED AT ALL. In fact it is STILL POLLUTED and very little has been accomplished to SPEAK OF._

**Zero**

"This place smells like ass. Shadow Man, put me in this capsule so I can wake up for my own series, except for when I star in X7."

**X**

"Where is Zero, who we just fought a war to save?"

**Alia**

"Who cares, let's go put Gate's corpse in my closet." _They do._

**Revokov**

"I want my money back."

_THE END_


	7. X7 Supercondensed

**Megaman X7 Supercondensed**

_DISCLAIMER:_

_X7 can be summed up in one sentence, but that would not be as fun as drawing the supercondensation out in direct violation of the Rules Of Supercondensation (which is what I always do anyway) so I will present to you two versions of Megaman X7. The first is a more analytical take on the game in which concepts are presented that, such as the cases of the flying squirrel and of Red being a pirate, did not actually occur in the game but can be reasonably inferred. The reason I am doing this is because I used up most of the world's known puns on the last six supercondensations, and am thus attempting to score humor points instead by being what some cultures call 'batshit insane'. The second version, however, is more along the lines of what a "supercondensation" actually is._

_END DISCLAIMER_

**_The First Version_**

_The world rebuilds itself from the SHITTY ASHES of X6. Mavericks are still causing TROUBLE, as demonstrated by this GENERIC MAVERICK GRAPHIC. But there is TROUBLE at Maverick Hunter Headquarters._

**X**

ANGST PISS MOAN I QUIT, AND FUCK YOU ALL.

_Fortunately this GROUP shows up out of NOWHERE to pick up the SLACK left by the HUNTERS who are now WUSSIFIED without their FEARLESS BUT WHINY LEADER. They are called RED ALERT, and their boss is CHARISMATIC and only has ONE EYE!_

**Red**

Arrr! Guess what color I am, mateys!

_The world is pretty much DANDY, but then this stupid KID gets lost from his BOY SCOUT TROOP and FUXORS EVERYTHING UP._

**Axl**

_(Airborne Ranger)_ I-wanna-be-a-Maverick-Hunter!

**Rocky the Flying Squirrel**

Hey! He stole my voice!

**Red**

Arrr, the cabin boy pilfered that winged rat's voice! We must catch him, and let's plunder and pillage for some DNA while we're at it.

_Axl runs away from a giant SCORPION sent by his former BUDDIES who now want to MASH him into CRUNCHY METAL YOGURT, destroying the city while they are AT IT. Suddenly this BLONDE GUY with TITS shows up._

**Zero**

I'm a fifty-year-old Solid Snake reject who can't act.

**Axl**

Righteous! Let's pwn that scorp! _(They do.)_ Like, wow, dude! We make a great team!

**Zero**

You're under arrest.

_They go BACK TO BASE, where they meet the BIG-WIGS while something that sounds INCREDIBLY LIKE PORNO MUSIC plays in the BACKGROUND._

**Axl**

I left Red Alert, because they smell like ass. Let me be a Hunter!

**X**

BITCH WHINE MELODRAMA.

**Signas**

X has a point.

_Suddenly Red's all like IN THEIR FACES with the TRANSMISSION SHIZNAT._

**Red**

Ahahahaha! You cannot escape us, Axl!

**X**

WHIMPER BLUBBER PANDER.

**Red**

Arrr, go get yer' social security check and play shuffleboard, ye retired pansy! Now attack, me hearties! Yo ho!

**Alia**

Guys, red alert, it's Red Alert!

**Kevin Eubanks of the Tonite Show Band**

Aaaaa ha ha ha! _(Grins vacantly)_

**Axl**

Dude I have to save Capn' Red.

**Zero**

_(Sparrow) _This Red…how far are you willing to go for him?

**Axl**

_(Turner) _I'd die for him!

**Zero**

Savvy.

**Signas**

And so, we are at war once again.

_X goes to a bathroom and starts CUTTING HIMSELF. Zero and Axl go to duel the EIGHT RED ALERT BOSSES. However they get MOTION SICKNESS and TOTALLY VOMIT due to this MAGICAL THREE-DIMENSIONAL WORLD._

**Zero**

This reminds me of my college days…

_In between the CASUAL SLAUGHTER OF OLD FRIENDS, Zero and Axl TALK._

**Zero**

Dey say you can copy anyone…efen zer' voice!

**Axl**

…Efen zer' voice!

**Zero**

Where did you get such power?

**Axl**

I don't know. I don't remember anything about my past as an experiment. But I'm just a kid, and I'm the key to the villain's fiendish plan!

**Zero**

It's your life goal to be every X-Man, isn't it?

_Suddenly SCENES OF THE PAST shift in between the battles, as though to INFORM someone who is playing a VIDEO GAME or something._

**Red**

Arr, me thinks I spy a monk over yonder.

**Cloaked Man**

Well, I guess you could say I'm a…sympathizer with your cause. _(Burns a bra)_

_Meanwhile, Zero and Axl are SAVING REPLOIDS by bringing them the GOOD NEWS OF THE LORD. After so many Reploids are THUS SAVED and subsequently and secretly HARVESTED for POWER-UPS, X suddenly locates his SPINE._

**X**

STUBBORN ACCEPTANCE OF CURRENT EVENTS.

**Zero**

Fine, you can come along, but only if you lose the Goth makeup.

**X**

MY LIFE…IS A SONATA OF TEARS!

_The reunited Hunters run around like the THREE FUCKING MUSKETEERS and finish off the remaining Red Alert BOSSES, ending with the COOLEST enemy since SPLIT MUSHROOM (But not quite AS cool)._

**Tornado Tonion**

It Professor! He bad! We must collect all Hunter DNA and put it back in Ancient Aztec Chest to break the curse! …It's-a me-a, Tornado-a!

_Suddenly the backplotting CONTINUES, with some DIRECT QUOTES._

**Cloaked Man**

He possesses incredible talent. But his talents are wasted as things stand. Would you be willing to place a wager on my little idea?

**Red**

What you say!

**Cloaked Man**

Heheheh, you see that?

**Red**

You're incredible!

**Cloaked Man**

Well I hope I've…proven my abilities to you. _(Sultry wink)_

**Red**

Oh Professor, you frisky beast!

**Everyone From X5 Supercondensation**

ENOUGH ALREADY!

_In between stages X seeks out his FATHER, who he REALLY NEEDS TO TALK TO THIS TIME._

**X**

Dad, I quit my job to work for social justice. In hindsight, I realize that was only slightly more practical than sticking my tongue in a paper-shredder. I really need some guidance right now.

**Dr. Light**

I hope nothing so bad ever happens that you need to hear this ridiculously generic pre-recorded message that flies in the face of all the other strangley intimate conversations you've had with my other holograms. Vote Nader 'XX!

**X**

…WAIL SHRIEK WRIST-SLIT.

_Suddenly Alia STOPS DOWNLOADING MUSIC OFF KAZAA and actually does some WORK, locating Red Alert's BASE, which for some reason Axl COULD NOT LOCATE ON HIS OWN despite having ATE SLEPT AND SHAT THERE all his godforsaken LIFE._

**Axl**

I have ADD, and am therefore cannot be held accountable for my own actions. Or lack thereof.

_The Hunters HOP SKIP AND JUMP BUT MOSTLY SKIP down PALACE ROAD, defeating a big SMASHY THING and arriving at CRIMSON PALACE, which looks kind of like a FRAT HOUSE. Before long they meet RED._

**Red**

Axl, me lad. I'm glad you've come home to break tha curse. Just watch out for that scallywag, the Professor.

**Axl**

Don't worry Red, I'll save you!

**Red**

I'm glad we had this friendly and completely unthreatening conversation. Prepare to die.

**Axl**

But that makes utterly no sense!

**Red**

Arr! No one steals a squirrel's voice while I be dread ruler o' the seven seas! Walk the plank, ye enemy of PETA!

_The battle begins. Red CLONES himself, but like Tonion he is NOT AS COOL AS SPLIT MUSHROOM and gets his ASS handed to him with a side order of BITCHSLAP._

**Zero**

You should have known better than to withhold information from a federal agent, especially when that agent has no qualms about ripping that nonexistent patch off your eye and skullfucking you to death.

**Red**

Arr, ye have a point. Anyhoo, I've set this place to self-destruct and kill us all.

**Axl**

No! You're coming with us!

**Red**

Are you kidding? I just started a war to save a flying rat's voice and to please a horny bald dude. I'm going out while I'm ahead! _(Dies)_

**Axl**

SHANE! OHHH, SHAAAANE!

_The place EXPLODES, only…it…DOESN'T…REALLY…EXPLODE AT ALL, because the Hunters are STILL THERE…YEAH…WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER. Anyway, they find this place that looks like it's from the "X" FILES—_

**Kevin Eubanks**

Aaaa ha ha ha! _(Vacant grin)_

_—…YEAH, and after beating ALL EIGHT BOSSES AGAIN FOR NO EXPLICABLE REASON OTHER THAN TRADITION—_

**George W. Bush**

Fighting all eight bosses over again is a sacred tradition. In fact it is the cornerstone of Megaman society, and I support a constitutional amendment to—

_STOP INTERRUPTING ME BITCHES. Ahem. The Hunters meet THE PROFESSOR, who reveals himself to be…_

**Al-Gore-Sigma**

Hoo-hah! Recount number seven bitches! I'll do it again and again! I WILL make X and Zero and Florida MINE! _(Sultry wink)_

**Zero**

I really cannot begin to count the number of ways that last bit was wrong.

**X**

INCENSED EXPRESSION OF VITRIOL.

_The Hunters and Sigma fight on an ELEVATOR which is going DOWN. Let us all be clear on the fact that the elevator is FALLING. Then all of a sudden the Hunters are way the hell UP IN OUTER SPACE. What the FUCK._

**Axl**

I can see my house from here!

_Suddenly Sigma comes back dressed up as BUZZ LIGHTYEAR._

**Sigma**

To infinity…and beyond!

_Sigma WARPS and PUNCHES and SWINGS HIS CROTCH-SWORD at the Hunters, but they RUIN HIS SHIT and they all fly back to EARTH. The Hunters return to Crimson Palace, where BROKEN-ASS SIGMA confronts them. Suddenly RED shows up to help Sigma make METAL SUSHI out of the Hunters._

**Sigma**

Ahaha, very nice Red, together we will amaze all with our enormous—

_Red SHOOTS SIGMA THROUGH THE FACE.__ Sigma flies out the WINDOW._

**Sigma**

This isn't flying! It's falling with sty—_(Dies)_

_"Red" morphs back into AXL, who's CLEVER DISGUISE and PLUCKY COURAGE has saved the WORLD, even though if he had never been BORN the conflict would not have HAPPENED but let's not stick to DETAILS. Now that the battle is over people start with their respective CONCLUSIONS._

**Zero**

Why's the rum gone? WHY'S THE RUM GONE—_(Wakes up)_ Oh god, what a nightmare!

**Axl**

X, can I be a Hunter now?

**X**

EXPLETIVE DELETED.

**Axl**

Yay!

**Alia**

You know, Axl's really kicking some ass. I think we should give him more prestige.

**X**

I WANT MY SERIES BACK.

_THE END_

**_The Other Version_**

_This ALTERNATE HUNTING UNIT thinks that they are REPLIFORCE but they're NOT and then GAMERS who HATE the departure from TWO-DIMENSIONS take out their RAGE on FURRY WOODLAND CREATURES and it is HILARIOUS TO WATCH because I'm one of like four people on earth who actually ENJOYED THE GAME._

_THE END_


	8. X8 Supercondensed

**Megaman**** X8 Supercondensed**

NOTICE: Some of this is out of chronological order but I don't frankly care.

_There is this ORBITAL ELEVATOR. Then there are these LETTERS saying that PARADISE has been LOST._

**Gamers**

"Oooo! A subtitle! Maybe that means there'll be a plot!"

_One of the elevator CARS goes to SHIT because its parts were bought at WAL-MART and it CRASHES after a hard fought RACE and X RUSHES to its AID._

**X**

"Sanka…y'dead?"

**Lumine**

"No mon…I'm Sigma."

_He IS. X's EYES pop out like JAWBREAKERS as FIFTY HUNDRED KAJIGGERILLION SIGMAS appear out of NOWHERE and they all give him the FINGER. Suddenly Lumine DE-DIGIVOLVES back into his normal form._

**Lumine**

"…Aaahaha! You SO thought! See, we new-generation Reploids can turn into anything we want, even Michael Jackson, without fear of being corrupted and going Maverick, cause we're the perfect race who will one day rule the New World without interference from inferior species—UH, I MEAN, the Pope gave us blessed holy cookies, so we're immune to Sigma and we love peace and joy. Yeah. That's it."

**X**

"I totally believe you." _(He totally does.)_

**French-Accented Capcom Exec 1**

"Fuck, shit shit! If they can't go Maverick then we don't have a video game! We must fix this shameless plothole!"

**French-Accented Capcom Exec 2**

"…But I am le tired!"

**French-Accented Capcom Exec 1**

"Me too…let's have a nap and then just proceed like the last scene never even happened, Megaman fans are too stupid to know the difference."

**French-Accented Capcom Exec 2**

"I agree, and to speed the plot along let's have Vile come back out of nowhere."

**Vile**

"FIRE ZE MISSILES!"

_A MAVERICK REVOLT begins for the HELL OF IT._

**Alia**

"OMG the new-gens are like so totally Mav!"

**Palette**

"Hey, I'M the annoyingly girly navigator now!"

**Layer**

"And I'm a husky sex machine. Hello, Zero."

**Zero**

"I caught you a delicious bass."

**Alia**

"Back to the game, dammit!"

**Signas**

"Great job out there!"

**Axl**

"…we haven't started yet."

**Signas**

"Great job out there!"

**Axl**

"It's gonna be one of those games, isn't it…"

_The Hunters finally go to INVESTIGATE and just when they are about to SOLVE the mystery VILE shows up. He LAUGHS maniacally, CAPTURES Lumine, BITES HIS THUMB at the Hunters, and FIRES ZE MISSILES._

**Vile**

"OHHHHH! OHHHHH! WHAT NOW, BEEYOTCH! WHAAAAT NOOOW!"

_Vile ESCAPES while CACKLING and the Hunters deal with a NEW CRISIS._

**Alia**

"Like I was saying, the New Gens went Maverick!"

**Axl**

"That's impossible, we can't go Maverick!"

**X**

"You're right, New Gens can't go Maverick. Oh shit, look, the New Gens went Maverick!"

**French-Accented Capcom Exec 1**

"Oh ho ho! It's working! No one even cares!"

**French-Accented Capcom Exec 2**

"Shhhh! Do not le jinx it! We haven't rolled out ze big guns yet!"

_The Hunters go to fight the MAVERICK (?) NEW GENS who continue to offer CLUES to the great MYSTERY and NO I know what you're THINKING but the culprit is NOT COLONEL MUSTARD._

**New Gens**

"Nyahh nyaah, we're makin' a New World and you can't come cuz the Master said so. Who is the Master? He's certainly not anyone you've fought seven times in the past and who refuses to die and who even appeared in the opening sequence, definitely not, no siree!"

**X**

"It's so confusing! I can't figure ANYTHING out!"

**Signas**

"Good job out there!"

_Meanwhile while AXL tries in VAIN to expose the INVALIDITY of the New Gen THEORY, Zero and Layer develop a PROFESSIONAL RELATIONSHIP. WITH SEX._

**Layer**

"Take me."

**Zero**

"My heart was already shredded by a long-dead British girl who was killed by my very hands. Oh the memories are so traumatic and why aren't you undressed yet?"

_Meanwhile the Hunters reencounter VILE, who now sports WICKED DREADLOCKS._

**Vile**

"I'm Rick James, bitch."

_And like James, he is PWNED. Suddenly Alia's DNA TESTING reveals something SHOCKING._

**Alia**

"Well X…you're the father after all."

**X**

"FUX0R!"

**Signas**

"Good job out there!"

**Zero**

"If you don't say something different next time I will kill you myself."

_Anyway what the test ACTUALLY REVEALS is that SIGMA is causing the new REVOLT, and sadly enough ABSOLUTELY NO ONE saw that coming._

**X**

"Holy shit! It makes perfect sense now! Vile…Sigma! Sigma…Vile!"

**Axl**

"It does NOT make sense! The New Gens are IMMUNE to Sigma! IMMUNE!"

**X**

"Yeah that's a good thing, too, else they could get infected. Damn, we have to get Sigma back for infecting them all!"

**Axl**

"Grraaaggkkk—" _Head explodes)_

_The battle begins against the other New Gens, only to have VILE show up AGAIN._

**Axl**

"What do you want, anyway?"

**Vile**

"I always wanted to be...a lumberjack!"

_Vile's__ FUNKY THEME SONG plays and he FLIES AROUND and attacks with LASERS._

**Vile**

"I've got frickin' lasers on my head!"

_Alas, Axl DEFEATS him and he LEAVES. Meanwhile, X PUTZES AROUND and finds LOTSA LOTSA CAPSULES._

**Dr. Light**

"Hey, you can be Herpes or Icarus."

**X**

"…You mean Hermes."

**Dr. Light**

"It sounds just as stupid, don't be picky."

_Back at the ranch, Zero and Layer continue to GET THEIR FREAK ON._

**Zero**

"Ohhhh baby, _be my NAVIGATOR!"_

**Signas**

"That looked like a hard fight, but there was never any doubt you'd come out on top."

**Zero**

"Oh my holy god."

_Zero TAKES HIS ANGER OUT on the enemies at the reopened NOAH'S PARK, where Vile TASERS HIM._

**Vile**

_(Singing) _"Yeeees I love technology...Always and forever…"

**Zero**

"Vile you fat llama come get some death!"

**Kevin Eubanks of the Tonite Show Band**

"Aaaaa ha ha ha!" _(Vacant Grin)_

_Zero SPANKS Vile and returns to HEADQUARTERS, where the Hunters are contacted by CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS._

**Sigma**

"I am going to the New World and I don't care what you repressive orthodox bastards think about it!"

**X**

"What are you talking about?"

**Sigma**

"I honestly have no idea this time, guys. Anyway, if you're wondering, the New World is located on the Moon, which you can reach via the Jakob Elevator, which is conveniently ALL MINE BITCHES HA HA HA I'M SO LONELY AND JUST WANT TO BE LOVED."

**Axl**

"The transmission broke! And it just seemed like we were getting somewhere."

**X**

"Of course…Lumine…Jakob…Vile…Sigma…guys! Guys! I just put two and two together! Holy shit!"

**Signas**

"Congratulations! You are officially the best Maverick Hunter in history!"

_X is so happy that he LEADS THE CHARGE to JAKOB, perhaps the ULTIMATE SYMBOL of PHALLIC SUPREMACY on the PLANET EARTH. The Hunters TRAVEL to the EXPANSE OF SPACE._

**X, Zero, Axl**

_(Holding hands in circle, singing)_ "Oh we'll be comin' to kill Sigma when we coooome…"

_At the top they meet VILE, who I must say is MORE BOBA THAN EVER THIS TIME._

**X**

"Vile! So it was Sigma all along…_wasn't it_?"

**Vile**

"Le sigh, j00 re scuh a n00b! Anyway it turns out I don't care so much about the whole 'haunt you till the day you die' thing that defined my character in the past, but hey, it's not like the games made sense after X4 anyway, right? NOW START DYING!"

_A CLIMACTIC BATTLE begins against VILE MACH 3 while EVIL ANGELS hauntingly chant "WHAT NOW, BITCH?" in LATIN—_

**Evil Angels**

"Adeo iam, canicula?"

_—and it is GLORIOUS. However despite Vile's RIDICULOUSLY HIGH AWESOMENESS FACTOR he is RUINATED by the Hunters, who TRIPLE-TEAM him until he RUNS AWAY. The Hunters return HOME._

**Zero**

"Graaah graaah Sigma baaaaad!"

**Layer**

"X, what's wrong with Zero?"

**X**

"Oh, you see, Zero and Sigma and the Virus—"

**Layer**

"HE DIDN'T TELL ME HE HAD A VIRUS!"

**Signas**

"Good job out there!"

**Zero**

"Aheheh." _(Runs)_

**Pallette**

"Hey guys look, it's a space station! I bet that's where Sigma sent his transmission!"

**X**

"Then…that must be where we should go next! My god! Eight uprisings and I'm finally getting good at this!"

_The Hunters deploy to the GATEWAY SATELLITE, where they face NEW GEN CLONES. The satellite GOES BATSHIT and during the escape they meet MR. FROWNY FACE._

**Sigma**

"Ahahaha! The New World is already beginning! Soon, yes, very soon I shall know…WHAT THE 'NEW WORLD' MEANS! And you shall wilt before my awesome comprehension of my own plot! AHAHAHA!"

_DRUNKEN IRISH PUB MUSIC starts playing and the Hunters square off with I.R.A. SIGMA, but it turns out to be a CUNNING RUSE!_

**Axl**

"It was a New Gen clone!"

_The Hunters return to base._

**X**

"You know I know this sounds weird…but I'm not entirely sure that was Sigma we just killed."

**Axl**

"Gaagggkkk—" _Brain explodes again)_

**Alia**

"Guys I found Sigma…the cause of the whole incident!"

**(French-Accented Capcom Execs)**

("OH HO HO HO! Zees ees too good to be fucking true!")

_The FINAL BATTLE FINALLY BEGINS as the Hunters invade SIGMA PALACE CASINO AND LUXURY HOTEL, located conveniently on the MOON._

**Zero**

"It's the big, brave New World! Watch out for Injuns!"

**Axl**

"And Aldous Huxley!"

**X**

"And Sigma…the cause of the whole incident!"

_The three musketeers meet Vile ONE LAST TIME, and this time he's got his trademark RIDE ARMOR._

**Vile**

"Good ol' Betsy!"

**Hunters**

"How does it feel to be reduced to Sigma's lap dog and be stripped of your cool purple color and to have the meaning of your character shamelessly tossed out the window?"

**Vile**

"Hey, I still have the crazy laugh! WAHAHAHA! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE!"

_They fight. Vile is MORTALLY WOUNDED. Just when it looks safe he drives the ride armor into Axl and Zero and MASHES THEM INTO TOOTHPASTE._

**Vile**

_(Beast Wars Inferno)_ "FOOOR THE ROYALTY!" _(Dies)_

**X**

"Nutmonkeys!"

_X, forced to use his OWN BRAIN, shakily NAVIGATES through the CRAZY SPIKE TRAPS and duels with dozens of Sigma's CLONES._

**Sigma**

_(Agent Smith)_ "This is MY WORLD, MYYY WORLD!"

**X**

"As beneficial as this plot has been to my mental development, it by and large needs to end now."

**Sigma**

"I agree. I'm so totally lost, dude, it's like I'm a high schooler acting out Shakespeare."

_X duels with Sigma, who looks like THAT ONE BOSS FROM DEVIL MAY CRY. Sigma suddenly OVERPOWERS X and holds him like the VAPID BLUE DOLL that he usually IS._

**Nelo****-Angelo-Sigma**

"Buhahaha! I shall now slay you by recanting the words to Ernest Hemingway's _The Old Man And the Sea_ until you quite simply die!"

**X**

"DEAR GOD NO!"

_Fortunately ZERO AND AXL reappear, who are somehow TOTALLY HEALTHY. The battle continues, and Sigma is DESTROYED FOREVER._

**Sigma**

"I'm melting! I'm melting! Ohhhh what a world! Thank god, now I can go on the talk shows and lecture circuits while the rest of you sink with this series. If anyone wonders, I might as well admit now that I killed JFK, and I also know what 'Rosebud' means, but since I'm dying I can't tell you! Sooo without further ado—ROOOSEBUUUUD! Thank you, and fuck off." _(Dies)_

**X**

"Well that was bitter."

_Suddenly LUMINE reenters the plot._

**Axl**

"Who are you?"

**Lumine**

"I'm Mega Man Juno—err, I'm Lumine. Thank you very much for killing Sigma. Allow me to repay you by sending you on a first class trip to the extinction of everything you ever knew, loved or remotely cared about. Bitches."

_Lumine__ ATTACKS. The Hunters are BEFUDDLED but they manage to get past his COPY ATTACKS._

**X**

"I don't understand! Why—"

**Axl**

"No, no, let me handle this, or else we'll be here forever. Lumine, why are you going Maverick? Is it…is it true? CAN New Gens go Maverick?"

**Lumine**

"What are you, stupid? I said 'no' like at the beginning of the game. Anyway, I'm taking over the world of my own free will, not due to any virus! I made Sigma build Jakob! I got the New Gens mass produced! And now I shall make a New World and genocide the bejesus out of anyone unworthy or anyone who smells like elephant! Evolution all the way, baby!"

**Everyone On Earth**

"HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT IT'S A PLOT IT'S A PLOT _IT'S A PLOT!"_

**French Accented Capcom Execs**

"Oh ho ho! Didn't see zat coming, deed you?"

_The Hunters try to STOP this new-age HITLER, but Lumine suddenly turns into SEPHIROTH._

**Evil Angels**

_(Sigh)_ "You're so going to have to pay us more to chant through another battle."

_Lumine__ uses NIFTY ANGEL POWERS, and eventually gets PISSED._

**Lumine**

"Paradise Lost!"

**Hunters**

"Oooh, pretty lights!"

_ONE CONTINUE LATER, the Hunters RETURN and fight Lumine AGAIN, and this time they KILL HIM BEFORE HE SUPERNOVAS THEIR ASSES._

**Lumine**

"Just wait…one day…though I die…la resistance…lives on!" _(Dies)_

_Suddenly Axl is the victim of HOT TENTACLE ACTION and the Hunters RETURN TO JAKOB to go back to EARTH, where a PARTY is going down in the HIZZOUSE._

**Pallette**

"Way to stop those Maveick New-Gens!"

**Axl**

"That's it. I quit."

**Layer**

"Nice to see you Zero…come to me baby…"

**Zero**

"But my lips hurt real bad!"

**Alia**

"So the father thing wasn't true…I mean, I'm not even pregnant."

**X**

"Don't worry, I think I got enough IQ from this mission to actually know what to do the next time we try."

**Signas**

"Good job out there!"

_THE FRIGGIN' END._


End file.
